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A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the Sussex coast.

He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a dozen nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a sack with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...... So what's the other possible good news?
"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

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Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

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A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables.
He picked up a CD player to place in his sack when a
strange, Disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

'Jesus is watching you'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash
light off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit he shook his head
and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect
the wires, Clear as a bell he heard,

'Jesus is watching you'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam
came to rest on a parrot..

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep' the parrot confessed then squawked, 'I'm just
trying to warn you that he's watching you'

The burglar relax ed. 'Warn me, huh?
Who in the world are you?'

'Moses' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.. 'What kind of peoplewould
name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'

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i love your guys jokes

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http://www.formspring.me/yaseenrazeq
"In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me." - James Stewart

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these are cool!:)

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Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books,

'Titanic'
&
'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:....... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

____________________________________________

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pi*sed.

I thought that I could love no other --
That is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes ......
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

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Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm.

He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away...

Ka-boom!

He throws another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away...

Ka-blooey!

Then a car passed, going 90 mph...

BAM! Bulls-eye!

"I've got to get me this guy!" Ross says to himself. "He's got the perfect arm!"

So, without much cajoling he manages to bring the kid to the States, aways from the dangers of Bosnia and teaches him the great game of football.

That season the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history and the young, modest Bosnian becomes one of the Great Heroes of football. When Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."

"I spit on your superbowl, I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"...But Mamma!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. Thousands of people are calling my name, our family name..."

"No, let me tell you," the mother screams. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

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omg you both (Lucky & Sword) are killing me here. My face is probably red from crying and not being able to breathe

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Cartman's Mom: "Eric, wanna say hello to Grandpa?"
Cartman: "Not now mom! I'm playing Texans and Mexicans!"

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It was not quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good Would you mind if I joined you next week?'

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late.

They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening two-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.

The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week.

She smiled and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were very amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They could not figure her out. She was again very pl easant and did not seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week, they all had their game faces on. However, this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play that it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her directly, 'How do you decide if you are going to golf right-handed or left-handed?'

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, 'That is easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his 'you-know-what' was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?'

She said, 'Then I am fifteen minutes late!'

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HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :





THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

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^^ that was awesome.

holy shit, that was amazing

A man calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls her Dad immediately, and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing till I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife.
"Good news", he says,
"The kids are coming home for Christmas and they're paying their own way for a change."

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JoHnNy PaJaMaS

lol wow