Splak.net

lmao wow

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http://www.formspring.me/yaseenrazeq
"In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me." - James Stewart

nice aura.

Whos on the $1 bill? : George Washington
Whos on the $5 bill? : Abraham Lincoln
Whos on the $20 Bill? : Andrew Jackson

What will obama be on? : Food stamp.

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-- .:Splak|StackableNut --

^ LOL! cole your now my idol.

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.:Splak|ACE

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks?
"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when the old guy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk, and that you'd be happy about it.

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**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**



**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**

Brief Pause.


**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**




**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**



**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****



*****Longer Pause*****

*Even Longer Pause*****


**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'*

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^ just saw those LMFAO

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http://www.formspring.me/yaseenrazeq
"In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me." - James Stewart

LOL These jokes are so random! ^_^

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Raisins, Stay the Fuck Out of My Cookies.

In conclusion, Mays rapped, "I ain't the Beastie Boys or Run DMC. I'm Billy Mays, I'm gonna knock you … down to your knees!"

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

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.:Splak|Element

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
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A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
manhood inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.

"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle,each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar,dropped his trousers,and placed his Johnson
and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute,the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the
alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed
as promised.

The crowd cheered,and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of
the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........

"I'll try it -Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

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Lol i was sent this on msn took me a minute to get it buy NASTY.

Five pirates and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck.
Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal.
Each pirate will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next pirate in line will marry her and so on.
All the pirates get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different pirate each week.
The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies...
The first week after wasn't too bad.
The second week was getting sort of bad.
The third week was getting pretty bad.
The fourth week was really bad.
The fifth week was horrible!
By the sixth week it was unbearable...

So they buried her.

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.:Splak|ACE

^ Ace that is sick!

..... Lucky and Sword stop telling jokes or I'm gonna die of laughter. ROFLMAO.

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn, the younger of the two nuns. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says the older & wiser Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn?

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off our car!"

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Number One Idiot of 2008


I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some
ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

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Number Two Idiot of 2008



Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting
it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

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Number Three Idiot of 2008


A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America , walked into the
Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing
in line, waiting to give his note to the telle r, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells
Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was
arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank
of America

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

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Number Four Idiot of 2008


A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in
a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well,
but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are
over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it
to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store
with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the
robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

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Idiot Number Five of 2008


A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.

The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!'
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy d oesn't even deserve a sign.

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Idiot Number Six of 2008


Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems
the liquor store window was mad e of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was
caught on videotape.


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Idiot Number Seven of 2008


I live in a semi-rural area ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ). We recently had
a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

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