Splak.net

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

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^2 long
How do you keep a mexican from breaking into your house?

Put up a Help Wanted Sign.

What did the mexican fiefighter name his 2kids?

Jose And HoseB

What does Dick Cheny and Jim Kelly have in common?

They both make terrable hunnters.

That's weak Grams.

How do you find Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
Sesame seed buns.

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A man complained to his doctor that his wife never wanted to have sex.
The doctor told him to bring her in for a checkup. When she arrived, the
doctor asked her about her libido.

“Well, doctor,” she replied, “the truth is that every morning I take a
cab to work and the cabbie always asks me, ‘So are you gonna pay today
or what?’ And since we don’t have much money, I always give him the ‘or
what’ which makes me late for work so my boss yells at me, ’So are we
going to dock your salary or what?’ And since we need the money, I
always give him the ‘or what.’ By the time I get home, I don’t feel like
having any more sex.”

“Hmmmmm,” thought the doctor, “I see. So, are we going to tell your
husband about this, or what?”

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SEVEN KINDS OF SEX
Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has become routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you..'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

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i didn't get the 7th sex explain lol

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http://www.formspring.me/yaseenrazeq
"In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me." - James Stewart

Not enough to screw yourself

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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog."

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It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.



Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.



Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.


But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'



'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.



So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.



A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'



'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'



The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.



Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'



'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'



'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX ... He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in theworld was that?'
The old man replied,
'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the
bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

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Last two were a nice laugh. I enjoyed the deputy one more.

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Cartman's Mom: "Eric, wanna say hello to Grandpa?"
Cartman: "Not now mom! I'm playing Texans and Mexicans!"

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited a few minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?'

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

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-- .:Splak|StackableNut --

[18:29:46] *all* .:Splak|Penguin: A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,
because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster,until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says,
"Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?"
[18:29:57] *all* .:Splak|Penguin: The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"


[18:33:52] *all* .:Splak|Display: ahhahahaha owned.

This isn't really a joke but more like one of the many rules of life.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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