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Author:  Lucky Aura [ Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:51 am ]
Post subject:  Jokes
why hasnt anyone made a topic on creative jokes.
here is a joke i found.

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in
the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked,

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too because they were laughing so ha
Author:  Lucky Aura [ Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:54 am ]
Post subject: 
Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that
towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands n***d in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800
and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did
he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of
you just one wish."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff!
She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull..
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay
there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate*
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Author:  Lucky Aura [ Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:59 am ]
Post subject: 
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there good lookin'. How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around and faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, Buddy, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked, dirty or clean... doesn't matter to me, I've been doing it since I got outta college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kiddin, I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
Author:  Lucky Aura [ Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:59 am ]
Post subject: 
A California highway patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's licence," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat.

"He's a smart-aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, " I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
Author:  Lucky Aura [ Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:00 pm ]
Post subject: 
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Author:  illestassassin11 [ Thu Nov 29, 2007 3:23 pm ]
Post subject: 
lol good jokes. hahahah
Author:  The Wonderguy [ Thu Nov 29, 2007 9:53 pm ]
Post subject: 
How do u get a pikachu onto a bus?























YOU POKEUMON!!!
Author:  cursed sasuke [ Thu Nov 29, 2007 10:06 pm ]
Post subject: 
yeah...i dont get it >.> i got all of lucky's jokes though lol
Author:  Element [ Fri Nov 30, 2007 2:54 pm ]
Post subject: 
how do you fit an elephant in a subway?






















you take the s out of sub and the f out of way
Author:  sword [ Mon Sep 08, 2008 8:50 am ]
Post subject: 
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder. "I just need one copy."
Author:  sword [ Mon Sep 08, 2008 9:01 am ]
Post subject: 
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England ."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."
Author:  Zombie [ Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:04 am ]
Post subject: 
Raoul was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll bet you I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "Okay, Raoul... how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Raoul and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Cruise answers the door, shouts, "Raoul! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Raoul's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Raoul that he thinks Raoul's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Raoul says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yeah," Raoul says, "I know him. Let's fly to Washington and I'll prove it." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Raoul on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Raoul, what a nice surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first, and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Raoul, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Raoul. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So they next fly to Rome.

Raoul and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Raoul says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye down here in all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Raoul emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Raoul returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Raoul asks him, "Boss! What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and then the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Raoul?'"









One dark night outside of Mt. Vernon, Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.



From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Sons of Norway Rural Township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegian-Americans over the age of 70. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant ...and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegians jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norweigans had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave Norske fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 80-year-old fire chief, "da furst ting vedo is fix da brakes on dat truck!"
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