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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 9:24 pm 
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OMFG STEAM ROXORS TEH BIG ONE111
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A young ventriloquist was doing a show in Newport .

With his dummy on his knee, he started going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde in the second row stood on her chair and started shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes,' she screamed. 'What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's people like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. It's all because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general - and all in the name of humor.'

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, whereupon the blonde yelled,

'You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap.'

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 9:24 pm 
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An Arizona cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch
for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of-the-art watch,
and
I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state of the art watch? What's so
special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because
I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an
hour fast.'

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 9:44 pm 
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Splakking Spree
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Location: Falls Church
HAHAHAHA omg lucky, those are the funniest jokes i've ever heard


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:01 pm 
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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'


'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'


Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you

may as well tell me now.



Was it Tina Minetti?'


'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'


'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:03 pm 
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*WARNING DIRTY JOKE*
THE VOODOO PENIS


A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The salesman there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except.....the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what?'

The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The salesman then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so that a
crack began to form down the middle.

Then the salesman said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.'

The voodoo penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off.

So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink, Officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and
it won't stop screwing me...'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right ........................
Voodoo Penis, my ass...!'

The rest, as they say, is history....

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:04 pm 
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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'...
The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through it to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:09 pm 
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman. And she was some what upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me, a
faithful wife, and the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want
a divorce straight away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can
tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say
to me!'
And the husband began -
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home
and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down & out
and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I
noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed & very dirty. She told
me that she hadn't eaten for 3 days! So, in my compassion, I brought her
home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night; the ones
you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean
up I suggested a shower, & while she was doing that I noticed her
clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she
needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a
few years, but won't wear because you say they are too tight. I also
gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you & lt; BR>don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my
sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and
I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and
don't use because someone at work has the same pair. 'The husband took a
quick breath & continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and
help, and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her
eyes and said, 'Please..... do you have anything else that your wife
doesn't use?'

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:13 pm 
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible! " says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She> pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:15 pm 
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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only
To discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
Step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
More and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Kentuckian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Kentuckian smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:21 pm 
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, Uh.. equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up
my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 9:29 pm 
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Pwn Noobies, GG
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Location: Under your bed (i watch you when you think noone is looking)
bravo lucky bravo =)

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 9:50 pm 
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Splakking Spree
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Location: Falls Church
its just gets better and better lucky, 5/5


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 10:10 pm 
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Hung Like Chuck Norris
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Location: Virginia
i think you've already said the mr and mrs smith one lol

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 10:45 pm 
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yeh thats what i was thinking haha

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 10:06 pm 
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Location: Australia
Working Splak members

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING - (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I. T. you can hande.

Employees who don't take their S.H I.T. will be placed in the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL H1GH INTENS TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training,

( D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

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