Splak.net

Yes! Abother Pac fan!!!

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JoHnNy PaJaMaS

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT
GETT ING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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2 Guys at a bar, one guy has a really small head, about the size of a cue ball.

The other guy can't help but ask: "Why is your head so small, is that a birth defect?"

The guy proceeds to explain: "Not exactly... Well, I was an old naval captain. Our ship went down and I was the only survivor. I found refuge on an island all by myself where I met a mermaid that said she'd grant me 3 wishes...

So my first wish, naturally I asked to be rescued. Sure enough a boat comes over the horizon!

Second wish I asked for all the money I could need when I got back, she snapped her fingers and said done!

So she asked for my third wish, I told her I'd really like to have sex with a mermaid. To which the mermaid replied: "Silly, mermaids can't have sex, it's not physically possible"....

The man pauses for a moment, and the other guy asks "So what happened?"

The guy says: "I asked for a little head instead!"

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* If you were a car door, I would slam you all night!
* Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
* Nice legs, what time do they open?
* My ride left without me , can you give me one?
* Damn girl, your legs go all the way up and make an ass of themselves!
* Hey babe, my bedroom is soundproof!
* I own the best roller coaster in town, wanna ride it?
* Hi, I have big feet.
* I'm like a video game, You can play with me all day long!
* Roses Are Red, Candle Light Flickers, After The Meal, Its off With The Knickers.
* How about you sit on my lap and we talk about the first thing that pops up?
* Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right.
* If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
* I lost my teddy bear, will you sleep with me?
* Use index finger to call someone over then say, "I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with the rest."
* Do u sleep on your belly at night? If no, can I?
* What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My Zipper!
* I'm not Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bedrock!
* If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?
* Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
* Let's go behind that rock, and get a little boulder.
* Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
* I'm feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?
* I don't speak in tongues, but I kiss that way.
* You know, we were born without clothes.
* What do you say we play some football? You can have first down!
* You had better phone the firefighters in advance, cause when you're done with me, we'll be on fire!
* Are you bored? [No, why?] Because i really want to nail you.
* So long as we're in the theatre....why don't we get some play?
* I lost my virginity... can I have yours?
* I'm not feeling myself today, can I feel you?
* Hi, I'm the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?
* A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"
* At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
* Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
* Can I see your tan lines?
* Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated.
* Go up to a girl in a bar, and slip your arm around her, and say, "Hi Laura!" She says, "I'm not Laura!" And you say, as your hand slips a little lower, "But you sure feel like her!"
* Here's a quarter....call your roommate and tell her you won't be coming home tonight.
* I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
* I'm British/Australian. Do you have any British/Australian in you? Would you like some?
* I've got the ship, you've got the harbor...what say we tie up for the night?
* If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
* Lie down. I think I love you.
* Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
* Pardon me, but are you a screamer or a moaner?
* Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better?
* Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.
* Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them?
* Your legs look cold. Do you want me to warm them up?
* Can I walk through your bushes and climb your mountains?
* Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?
* So baby, do you see why the girls call me tri-pod?
* Um...I need a little help with my Calculus, can you integrate my natural log?
* Hey babe- pretend my pants is France and invade them.
* Are you a virgin? (No.) Prove it!
* Hi, sorry I don't have an opening line but since you have an opening and I have a line. . .
* Wanna play "kite"? I lay down, you blow and we'll see how high you can make me.
* I'm a writer, you're a writer, how about we get naked together and put some poetry in motion?
* You know how your hair would look really good? [No.] In my lap.
* You know what they say about guys with big hands. [What] Big latex.
* Do you want to go swimming? Damn, there isn't a pool around... But my sheets are blue?
* Look at my lips and your lips. They want to massage each other.
* Do you want to see the soles of your feet in the wing mirrors in my car?
* You have beautiful hair. But it could be better. (How?) If it were spread over my pillow.
* Lets play "Titanic." When I say "Iceburg!" you do down.
* What is long and hard, and right behind you?
* Save a horse, Ride a cowboy.
* I'm on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?
* Are your knees dirty? I don't want to get my floor dirty.
* Soccer players can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions. Just thought you should know that.
* Me skull and crossbones aren't the only thing I plan on raisin' tonight.
* I know somebody who likes you but if I weren't so shy, I'd tell you who.
* Our break-up is worse than traffic in NY. I cant move-on!
* Was your Dad in the Air Force? Because you're da bomb.
* Hi, did your license get suspended for driving all these guys crazy?
* I may not be DQ, but I could treat you right.
* I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!
* If i was cosin squared and you were sin squared we would be one.

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

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One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

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I guess im a little perverted

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a "little"?

Just a little...

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bump^

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves,and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when
she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma, she come firsta. Den I come. Two asses, dey come
together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again.
I come again anda pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, calma down lady," said the man. "Ima justa tell my
friend how to spella Mississippi."


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Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. (I question that statement) After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews, albeit they may lack a formal higher education, has ever lacked a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS‘ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Probably because auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.
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P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200 ft. per min. descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft acting funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

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One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into
the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others,
about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes," our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run
and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining."

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hahah sword, the plane one theres a military one like that

lol I couldnt stop laughing man:P

You should post the military one:)

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they are similar to those but here they are



Recently I was given a list of actual responses made to squawks, the Air Force term for maintenance complaints by pilots.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."


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During a joint exercise between American, British, and Australian
forces, the three commanders get into an argument, naturally, about
whose forces are best. The American General says,
"My men are the best because they are so brave. PRIVATE!" A young
Private comes over, salutes, and stands at attention. The American
General says, "Boy, you see that tank coming down the road? I want you
to stand infront of it and get run over." The Private nods and stands in
the road. SQUISH! He gets run over. The British General shakes his head
and says,
"Nah, that's nothing. PRIVATE!" A young Private comes over, salutes,
and stands at attention. The British General says, "Lad, you see that
plane over there? Go get in it, go up to 10,000 feet, and jump out.
Without a parachute." The private nods and gets in the plane. SPLAT! All
over the ground. The Australian General laughs and says,
"No, no, no, that's nothing. watch. PRIVATE!" A young Private comes
over, salutes, and stands at attention. The Australian General says,
"Mate, see that cliff over there? I want you to go jump off it." The
Private shakes his head and says,
"Ah, fuck you, sir!" The Australian looks at the others and goes,
"See? Now that's brave!"

hehehehe that made me laugh out loud:P
n1

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