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A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''

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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...







































The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either

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There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,

and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh,....

Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show

you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

" Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,

stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed " What did you do

that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " check for squirrel"

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She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; she turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this
very moment."
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His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose
the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the
kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
†
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"

The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

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Mr. Khanna comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Khanna receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the electricity bill has not been paid.
" Am I speaking to Mrs. Khanna? "
"Yes... speaking"
Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"
" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

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Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"

Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"

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The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number ..."

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The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

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Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
... P... E... N... I... S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: **PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**

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At dawn the telephone rings: "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the
caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor† that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor† He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor† A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle??!!!

"Yes Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike
Driver."



SILENCE................... LONG SILENCE..............



"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

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LMFAO

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http://www.formspring.me/yaseenrazeq
"In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me." - James Stewart

Trying to revive this thread

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